Coughed Up Cogito

It is a rainy Sunday morning. This week I spent time with friends and worked. My group of friends went to bars downtown for the 4th of July. I do not enjoy going out to bars as much as I used to as I feel like we just go to get drunk when we could get drunk at home for cheaper and bond over games. Recently, I have been sneaking off to people watch or get a drink at a bar I have never been in before. Bryan (my roommate from spain study abroad) normally notices first and joins me. I have much more fun with less people and less drinks and more conversation. My body enjoys it more too. Our group of friends wanted to go back downtown tonight and I was ready for bed at 8. I watched some tv and hit the hay. I woke up around 5am today and went to see what the beach looked like during a break in the storm. It was beautiful. The dark grey to the left and hints of blue to the right giving some signal of twilight made a great start to my day. I came home and tidied up the house while I made some coffee and came to write. When most people hear I live with two guys they make it sound like I am a saint. My roommates are both very mindful of me and the way I like to live. I am very clean and it doesn’t bother me if others aren’t as long as they aren’t causing biohazards. I don’t mind cleaning up after them as I enjoy cleaning, its a form of meditation for me. But, with that being said, my roommates immediately imitated the way I live and helped out whenever they saw me doing something around the house. If I start to vacuum, they start to sweep. If I start putting away dishes, they come over and ask me to hand them some. It is a very nice human experience to see two guys in their 20s support a girl they like platonically. Me and Bryan are not platonic but me and my other roommate have always been and bryan and I were such good friends for so long before we showed feelings for each other and were still good friends when we knew we had feelings but couldn’t do anything about it that balancing roommates and being romantic has come naturally to us. I was making breakfast when Jaden ran upstairs late for an interview in a wet collared shirt. I told him he could not go like that and he said he had no other option and that the shirt would dry on the way there. I knew it would not. I told him to go use my hairdryer on the shirt and he did. Later in the day he texted me ” thank you for this morning you really saved me, I have a treat for you when you get home” and when I got home there was a massive jug of costco peanut butter pretzels sitting on the counter. 56 servings of my favorite food. This week they tried to get me to play poker with them downstairs but I needed time to myself and wanted to take a bath. Bryan came to my door while I was preparing for my self care time and told me to stick out my hand then handed me fruit, crackers, and cheese he cut up in a crumpled paper towel. Its those little things. The group texts that blow up my phone on my way to something even slightly important saying “GOOD LUCK MISS MAAM, YOUVE GOT THE POWER OF OUR HOUSE IN YOU AND I KNOW ONE THING, MY ROOMIE ALWAYS KILLS IT IN blah blah blah”. I feel very supported. On the other hand, I do struggle to get alone time. Not necessarily because of bryan and I being romantic but partially. They always want to hangout. Both of them. Bryan wants to cuddle or Jaden is sitting there as soon as I get home from work saying “thank god I have been so bored, I get so excited when I hear one of you come home”. I do a lot of stuff by myself and enjoy doing it by myself like this or reading or just going for walks to think. Spending time alone is how I learn as I cycle through my thoughts, throw bad ones to the side and developing the meaningful ones. I’m not afraid to say anything but Im waiting as I Bryan is leaving for Michigan this week for a month and I do want to soak in the moments I have with him and will get that alone time after he leaves. If its still too much with just jaden then I will do something but for right now I am ok. In other news, I am trying to get back into anime. I started one called Frieren and although I am not very far into it, I enjoy it a lot. I like the dynamic of the two main characters but think the purple haired girl Fern is going to turn on Frieren. I’m watching breaking bad with Bryan and its good but I would say its overhyped. I haven’t been reading but it is on the docket for today. The picture for today is of horses from friend’s farm I visited last week. There is a family owned flower farm down the street from it that I would like to go to today if the weather clears up. Its 3 flowers for $1! lucky me. That is all byee byeee!

I’m not limiting myself when writing anymore. No fun. So much has happened in my life. I took an entire spanish course at the university, said goodbye to all my beloved friends that graduated, my friends got married, and I moved in with two guys. I am female. The two guys have been some of my best friends for about a year now. So before you go assuming anything, yes. I am romantically involved with one of them XD. The way we began may be morally questionable. We studied abroad together in spain. He had a girlfriend. They broke up. Me and his girlfriend (who I also became friends with on the study abroad trip) became roommates. The entire group I studied with became one big friend group that hangs out pretty much every day. The guy and I got closer than me and my roommate just because we are so similar and the fact that we are the funniest two people to exist and the greatest devil’s advocates known to man. Anyway, one night I went to ride electric bikes with him and we ended up on a beautiful dock behind a rich neighborhood on the intercoastal. I have never seen the stars so clearly or felt so free. We watched infrabren and of course got into a debate and he put his arms around me. I had liked him for so long but never thought of pursuing because even though me and my roommate weren’t close she was such a sweet person I could have never actually acted on my feelings. On the way home he took a massive tumble on the bike and cracked his head open. He has had several concussions in his life and been hospitalized for the mush he has turned his brain into. We went home and I spent the night. Not in a I spent the night kind of way. We didn’t even kiss. I told him I couldn’t look my roommate in the face. It never mattered. The guilt ate at me anyway. Not because I felt like what I did was necessarily immoral but because I knew how much my roommate had loved him and I couldn’t picture how much pain she would be in to know the feelings I had for him. I left the next morning and forgot my glasses at the house. When I came to get them he told me that if I wasn’t interested he understood but that if I was interested and simply wanting to ignore it for the sake of my roommate that we should let ourselves be happy. I had a ton of tournaments out of town the next couple weekends so I told him that we should wait to see if we were just being impulsive or if this was something real. I had feelings for him that I didn’t know I could even feel at the time because I am not an emotional person. I didn’t want to get hurt knowing he just came out of a relationship. Anyway, I spent the night that night XD. we kissed. and i slept in his arms. and nothing ever felt so right. The thing is that the breakup was decently fresh and we all still hungout as a group. Things were complicated. He and all our friends also parked at our house for school because we live right behind campus. So avoiding his ex was kind of impossible. They also had a class together. We weren’t going to tell people, ruin the friend group, my living situation, and so on for something we couldn’t be absolutely positive about. We both really cared about the ex. We both really cared about keeping the group together. I wanted him but I knew it would blow up. The next weekend I went to DC for a law tournament I was coaching and when I came home, the second I walked through the door my roommate burst into tears and said how she missed me and how she just needs someone to talk to because the break up has been so hard for her saying she feels like he doesn’t even care. My heart was broken. I was so taken off guard about this because although we were always friendly when we were with others in the group we were never close. We barely talked even though we lived together. The breakup had been awhile ago too at that point. Either way, I couldn’t take the pain in her eyes. I decided to dodge the guy I had wanted more than anything. My heart actually ached for him. I couldn’t sleep just thinking about him. I was scared to sleep too. I didn’t want to say his name in my sleep and my roommate hear. So I refrained from pursuing or allowing myself to be pursued. The feelings were always there when we were in group hangouts but I just let the tension hover and tried to distract myself with someone from the DC trip who was extremely kind and interested in me. I never felt the things I felt for the guy from spain with him. That is what I feel most terrible about. I used him as a safety net from falling into the arms of the guy I really wanted. I cared for the DC guy. We dated for a couple months. and it worked. served its purpose. Me and spain guy went back to being best friends and just ignored it even though we both knew there was something there. I broke up with my boyfriend a couple months ago. Spain guy’s roommate and therefore my good friend was graduating, getting married, and moving out of the house and Spain guy’s other roommate was my best friend anyway. We swim laps together, had sleepovers that truly are platonic, and hangout all the time anyway so I asked if I could fill the empty room. They said yes and we were all so excited. About 2 weeks before I moved in we came back to the house drunk and me and spain guy were out smoking a cigarette when we talked about that night on the electric bikes. I confessed and he confessed that it never died.We stayed up all night talking and I ended up back where I started and always wanted to be in his arms sleeping that morning. I have moved in. It has only been 5 days since I moved in but we had our first real date today. We obviously had done stuff alone before but today it was like a real date and I loved it. I enjoy talking to him. I actually enjoy listening to the stuff he says. He is interesting and smart and so incredibly funny. We went to a small beach town called southport and got pizza and fun beers that are pictured below. Mine is on the left and the better one mwahahaha. Then we walked around went to an antique store and got ice cream. I had the best day. The old roommate knows to an extent about that first night. She found out about a month ago in a very unlucky way when me and spain guy hadn’t even rekindled anything yet. It was really terrible and unfortunate and she hates both of us. I never wanted to hurt her. I did care for her because she is a very caring person. If it could have been any other person I would have made it that way but I could not and will not. She graduated and is moving home next week anyway. Things in the group didn’t change much just because none of them could hold a grudge against us when we are all so close. I miss our friends that have moved away but happy that the ones that are left are the ones I am closest with. Life is so good. The house I moved into, spain guy’s house, is his family’s vacation home and a major upgrade from the 70s roach infested frat house that was behind campus. I finished my summer spanish course last week and have been working or hanging out with my roommates. Two days we went to the pool after I got off work and I did flips. Front and back. I wasn’t even hesitant. I feel free.

A lot has happened since I have last posted, I am trying to do better with this! I can’t remember exactly what time I woke up this morning, sometime between 6 and 7 without an alarm. I immediately made tea and stretched outside while I waited for it to cool down. I listened to an Andrew Huberman podcast that talked about the importance of getting sunlight when you wake up. I normally do morning stretches outside as soon as I wake up anyway but I felt extra excited today knowing it was going to help my sleep. After my stretches, I got ready for the day and read some of a nonfiction book called character by Marjorie Garber. I was just starting it and only got about 12 pages in before having to make breakfast and head out to work. I am not a big nonfiction reader but I haven’t read it enough to say I don’t like it, I am just always drawn to fantasy. I had a can of tuna and a small protein shake before going to work. We have a new dress code policy that requires us to wear all black and I felt cute today. I had a good day at work, nothing out of the ordinary happened. I went to the park on my lunch break and read some of my current nonfiction book called Norwegian Wood by Murakami. I have read 3 other books since I last wrote here, 1984, I who have never known men, and the cruel prince. I’m just on a reading rampage right now. After work I came straight home to do an ab workout and stretch some more. Then I ate some boiled eggs and tomato before walking the loop. Today’s picture is from the walk, I felt like the tiny building was both ominous and peaceful. Im currently making siracha honey pretzels in the oven. I’m so excited to munch on them after I get cozy! Today I am grateful for slow yet productive day and the ability to create things like my siracha honey pretzels. I plan to make bread tomorrow, maybe I will make some homemade butter to go with it. Till tomorrow!

Woke up at 7pm without an alarm had tea and went to classes. Today was my last HR class. When I got home I made a to go shaken espresso with cinnamon dolce syrup and walked the loop. It was hot today and I could smell lilacs in the breeze. I stopped at whole foods to grab a few groceries I have been wanting to try. I got salmon jerky because I am pescatarian and I am in love!! So yummy. When I got home I tidied up, sorted my clothes to sell, and worked on a puzzle while watching a film for class. I ran to drop the clothes off but one of the shops was closed. I stopped at the store next door to get more face wash then returned home. I ate a plant based steak for dinner and it wasn’t bad but it was off putting. The only thing steak about it was that it was shaped like one. I will not be repurchasing as they were expensive and kind of hurt my stomach. Nevertheless, I am glad I tried it. After dinner, I read outside for an hour while listening to the rain. Today I feel at peace. I am grateful for the weather and the joy I get shopping. I love to look at the different options. seeing the ingredients, looking at why things might be so expensive, and finding products I never knew existed. Here is my cat stevie.

Uhhhh tonight I am drunk. I woke up at 7:30. Terrible stomach pains. Went to work. I had scrambled eggs with toast for breakfast. Siracha and honey on top. Went to work and today was nice. I got everything done but I felt like I was having a stroke the entire time. I have terrible anxiety so I think I was just anxious knowing I was going to break up with my boyfriend when I got off. Anyway I broke up with my boyfriend after I got off work. One of the reasons I chose to make a website is because I feel like people could learn from it and the concept of it. I don’t tell any of my friends this exists. I think its just exciting knowing that somebody could read it but no one I know personally. Anyway, I broke up with my boyfriend and that was really terrible stuff. Really terrible. Not fun. I feel terrible because I don’t want him to think there is anything wrong with him. I know people say that all the time but really he is something out of a dream for most girls. Just not the right fit for a life time for me. After I left his I came home and cleaned my entire house. It smells so good in here. Then I went to walmart to get cookie ingredients and trader joes for wine. When I returned home I showered and got to baking immediately. Thank goodness I did, the recipe had me beat cold butter into brown sugar and I don’t own a stand mixer. Was baking more like stirring for an hour. Switching between the icing and my batter. The recipe insisted the butter was cold. Took everything in me not to through it into the microwave. No actual baking got done tonight, I threw it in the fridge to bake tomorrow. Thank goodness I planned ahead. Im going to go to bed now. Till tomorrow! Oh today I am grateful for sugar and my mind and god and this weather.

Woke up at 6 without an alarm. Felt really groggy today… probably because I woke up at 6. I went to my HR and commercial law classes then got coffee. I worked on this website some more and then memorized the U.S States on the map. I am going to memorize all the countries on the map because it seems like something I can learn somewhat quickly and can be really useful in understanding cultural influences, politics, and history. When I went to do the countries I realized I hadn’t studied the states since 5th grade and should do a refresher first. I went for another walk and then made some cold brew for tomorrow before my next class started. At my class we each put a question on the wall and then went around answering each others. It was kind of awesome to see what was on everyone’s mind and give advice. When I got home I had some tuna and the last chocolate date bite. I went on pinterest and listened to asmr until my friends came over and we did an easter hunt that my roommate organized. I was feeling a bit weird today and snuck off to my bedroom early. While thinking about why I felt weird I concluded that I was in a relationship that I don’t believe is sustainable and decided I would be breaking up with my boyfriend tomorrow. My friend who got to the easter celebration late came to my room and we chatted for awhile about my relationship and just life. I made a yogurt bowl and then ended up going back to the kitchen to nibble on more chocolate chips and pumpkin seeds like a goblin hovered over my kitchen counter. Today I am grateful for my ability to always create change in my life and recognize when I need to. I am also grateful for having friends that I can talk to. I am really excited for this weekend, I am going home to Charlotte for easter and can’t wait to bake carrot cake cookies for my friends and family. The picture for today is from the walk I took before my last class, it was on a trail behind my campus.

Woke up at 7:00 without an alarm. Went for a walk around campus. I like going outside early in the morning. When it is early enough the sunlight lays on everything so perfectly that I can feel god with all my senses. I took today’s picture of the little creek on this morning’s walk. I pass this creek every time I go to class but today it had that sunlight written all over it and I think you can see what I mean when you look at the photo. I ate eggs with siracha honey as well as ricotta on toast for breakfast. I went to work at 9:30 and had a great shift. It was a pretty slow day and I was able to get everything necessary done with time to spare for extra cleaning tasks I have been wanting to do. I had 2 nitro cold brews while at work and some toast with swiss cheese for lunch. I got off at 5 and showered immediately. I can’t stand to get in bed or do anything in my room after work without a shower. When I got all clean I made a bowl of tuna with a side of cabbage I cooked in soy and sesame. I worked on this website now that I got the design part of it down and created my photos page. Quite the work uploading all the photos but I loved doing it and designing the layout and deciding which photo goes where. Its like a puzzle I got to make and complete! OH! I tried the date desert and it was ok. It was good as far as a sweet treat but I make a ton of sweet treats and those were at the bottom of the list. I think it needed peanut butter or apple butter along with the date filling. Today I was grateful for the sun and that I have a body capable of going to work and walking around this very pretty world. Till Tomorrow!

Woke up at 6:30ish. Presented my HR project at 8. The HR project was a group assignment where we had to create a business and come up with HR practices for it. I made a skit for my part which was legality of our employment practices. I am not sure if the jokes landed but I am proud of it nonetheless. I noticed all groups that have presented have had the same content, pretty much word for word. The only exception is when the company name is switched out. He told us we could use chatgpt for the entire project. The education system is failing. I love chatgpt, but creativity has died. Not mine, I made a skit. I could get a zero and still feel prouder for creating something rather than copying and pasting the semester project. After HR, I went to my commercial law class where we learned about bankruptcy. After class I got an iced latte made with honey, cinnamon, and almond milk. Chef’s kiss. When I got home I finished my report for an international consulting project Im doing with 5 other people from all over the world. They have not been much help. My teammate from Egypt only texts on the day a part of the project is due and only to ask if someone has already turned it in and he never does his work. When he texts us less than an hour before its due for him (time difference), he blows up our phones with exclamation points and question marks. Once I finished the project, I had some toast. One piece with swiss cheese and tomato, the other with cottage cheese and hot sauce. I went for a walk at the loop which is a 2 mile trail circling the island I live near. It was pretty windy but peaceful. I stopped to get dates to make a sweet treat. When I came home from my errand I walked to class while on the phone with my best friend. After class, I made the sweet treat then tidied up around the house and came to work on this website. I know my last entry was over two weeks ago. It has taken me some time to understand how this website works but today I think I had a real breakthrough with customizing the format. It was really rewarding to finally play around with the design and know what it will look like for visitors. The photo for today is the dessert. Chocolate covered pan fried dates with pumpkin seeds! Im going to try them here in a little bit im so excited! Ill update tomorrow on how they were. Till Tomorrow!

I woke up around 5:30 a.m. today. I planned to wake up early to attend a conference about worker’s comp, but I did not intend to wake up that early. I put on my sailor slacks that I call my sailor slacks because they have two lines of buttons down the front and a gray wool top. I opted for flats instead of heels to reduce the amount of things I might have to worry about. For breakfast I had a small glass of kefir, eggs and cottage cheese with chives, and a piece of toast. I made some coffee and then gathered my things. At the conference, I met up with my uncle who was the one to invited me and grabbed another cup of coffee before taking my seat. The first lecture was about evaluating work related neuropsychiatric disorders. The most interesting part of this lecture was learning how important medical history is when looking at these claims as you can find relation between symptoms and the cause that date back to birth. I learned the phrase “thin skull vs crumbling skull” which represents this idea. I also learned the word “malingering” which means faking symptoms to receive compensation. I learned that 50-80% of claims are from malingering. The second session was about AI. I did not find this lecture interesting even though I find AI itself fascinating. The information given was pretty generic and would be known by anyone who has encountered a simple GenAI program before. What I did find cool was the conversation my uncle and I had after combining the ideas from both of these lectures. Attorneys in worker’s comp can use AI to search the amount of time doctor’s in the area prescribe patient recovery and send the employee to the doctor who recommends less recovery to save money. That’s pretty awesome if your the employer. That’s not awesome if your the injured employee. As of right now I am neither so I just think its smart and I don’t feel bad because today I learned that at least 50% of cases are malingering! The third session was on the pharmacy aspect of worker’s comp with the primary focus being on the cost of drugs whether it be brand or generic drugs. Some of the stuff went over my head and I started taking a voice memo because I would like to research the hold pharmaceutical companies have on America. What I did manage to gather with my ignorant ears is that drugs are labeled on 6 different “schedules” which is just a fancy word for classifications. The main idea explained about these schedules is that it determines whether or not drugs are for medicinal purposes and if they are, how often they can be prescribed. If they are a schedule 1, it means that they have a high potential of abuse and do not have medicinal purposes=illegal. If they are schedule 2, it means they have high potential of abuse but have a medicinal use so they can be prescribed as long as they are not refilled. What is absolutely wild is that marijuana is a schedule 1 drug. Guess what’s schedule 2, COCAINE AND FENTANYL! Cocaine and fentanyl are being used for pain relief and marijuana is up there with heroin. Fentanyl is 30 times more potent than heroin. I don’t believe it will be long before all 50 states legalize it. Im going to do a deeper dive into this topic and bring my research back here. How have some states argued and won medicinal purpose but that same research proving it medicinal is inadequate in other states? I feel like there are some hidden factors at play dun dun dunnnnnn. The last session was about navigating claims that deal with amputations and the biggest takeaway from that was to try to understand that its not just a physical catastrophe but a mental one. After the conference, My uncle and I went to eat at “Shark Bar and Kitchen”. I ordered the firecracker shrimp tacos and we got grilled oysters to share. Compliments to the chef, the noms had me nomming and my uncle had me get extra to take home! We chatted about his work, my life, and family before I dropped him back off at the hotel. When I got home I felt drained from my early morning and the fullness in my belly but it was only 2pm and I knew I couldn’t waste the day away. I tidied my room, rinsed the drain I felt down my drain with a shower, did laundry, and went for a walk to help my stomach digest before coming back to work on this website. The picture for today is of pretty flowers I saw on my walk and I like that you can see the bees hunting in the background. This website has had quite the learning curve but I have enjoyed being challenged and having something to work on that’s just for fun. Till tomorrow!